Love Is Never Lost Forever
by YaoiYuriLover929
Summary: This story takes place during and after Awakening. Azariah's lover, Alistair, fell to the Archdemon during the Blight, but she had to move on for the sake of Ferelden. Now, maybe she'll learn that everything does indeed happen for a reason. Maybe so she could find new love with an old friend. Nathaniel/Cousland-Warden. Rating may go up.
1. Mourning

Late in the evening at Vigil's Keep, the new Warden-Commander of Ferelden, Azariah Cousland, was sitting at the desk in her room at the keep. Her dark brown hair was a bit frazzled as she tiredly wrote a report on the piece of parchment in front of her. Her usual bright, light blue eyes were dull with weariness and the bags under her eyes only confirmed how tired she was. She wanted nothing more than to climb into the big bed in the room and sleep all night and late into the next day, but she couldn't; she had too much work to do. She briefly looked up from her work to look at the beautiful red rose in a vase in front of her, and her eyes teared up. It was the very same rose Alistair had given to her when he had confessed just how much he cared about her, and she'd kept it ever since. Despite how much time had passed since then, the rose hadn't even wilted a little, and was still as vibrant as the day it bloomed. She sighed as she leaned back in her chair and looked up at the ceiling briefly before closing her eyes, _'I miss you, Alistair…'_ She thought as a tear rolled down her cheek.

It had been over six months since the end of the Blight and Alistair's death when he killed the Archdemon. There were times when Azariah really regretted not taking Morrigan up on her offer to sleep with Alistair so she could birth a child with the soul of an Old God, but it had sounded like such a terrible idea. Also, she had to admit that she was really hoping that Riordan would have been successful in killing the Archdemon himself so that both she and Alistair would be saved, despite that meaning that he would've died because of killing it. As soon as she saw him fall to his death, she knew that it was now between her and Alistair. She really had wanted to be the one to strike the final blow, but Alistair had beaten her to it, and she knew that it was because he hadn't wanted her to die, either. Now, Anora was queen still, and she herself had promoted Azariah to the rank of Warden-Commander.

More tears rolled down Azariah's face as she thought about what had happened, until a knock came at the door. "Who is it?"

"It's me, Azariah." Nathaniel's voice said through the thick wooden door. "May I come in?"

"Yes, come in." She replied, and he opened the door as he walked in before closing it behind him.

"Is this a bad time?" He asked, sounding concerned.

"No." Azariah replied as she wiped away her tears. "I apologize for you seeing me like this." She turned her chair a bit to look at him, "Did you need something?"

Nathaniel decided not to press her for information on why she had been crying, and instead just got to the reason he was there. "I've been thinking a lot about what has happened lately." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I mean, about what I've done, and what I almost did… I…" He let out a deep sigh. "This sounded so much better in my head."

Azariah gave him a somewhat confused look. "What do you mean?"

Nathaniel looked back at Azariah with a serious expression on his face. "I mean, I want to apologize to you for what I've said and done."

"There's no need, Nathaniel, it's fine." She told him, but what he said next shocked her.

"No, there _is_ a need, it's _not_ fine!" He said insistently. He then sighed and continued, "When I got back from the Free Marches, I was so convinced that my family had been destroyed for being on the wrong side of the war. But after everything you've done, and after talking to Delilah, I've come to accept that it was no one's fault but my father's; he did it to himself!" He growled angrily. "There was no conspiracy, just one stupid, selfish man! I should've known better."

"How could you have known?" Azariah asked. "You weren't even in Ferelden."

"Yes, but I should have looked deeper _before_ I acted. I was an idiot, and like a child I blamed you and the wardens. But you've done nothing but treat me with kindness despite all that, even giving me a chance to see my sister again _and_ gave me back my family's bow. I just… wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry for being mean to you before, and you deserved better. I know it may be asking too much, but… will you forgive me?"

Azariah gave Nathaniel a soft smile. "Of course I forgive you, Nathaniel. We were best friends when we were younger, and I would like to be able to call you a friend again."

Nathaniel looked taken aback by that, but he then smiled. "I would like that, too, Azariah." There was a moment or so of silence between them before Nathaniel cleared his throat. "Anyway, I've taken up enough of your time, so I'll head off to bed now." He bowed graciously in front of her, "Good night, my lady."

Azariah chuckled and stood up to bow back to him. "Good night to you, too, milord."

Nathaniel laughed and left the room, leaving Azariah alone in there once again.

Azariah continued to smile for a moment after he left, happy that things seemed to be getting a lot better between her and Nathaniel now.

The next morning, Azariah came downstairs into the main hall, looking a lot better than she had the previous night, and saw Nathaniel, Anders and Sigrun talking. She walked over to the bookshelf where they were and gave them all a smile. "Good morning."

"Well, look who is looking happy!" Sigrun chuckled. "This is the first time I've ever seen you look like this!"

Azariah chuckled. "Yes, well, you could say that I feel a lot better than I have in a long time."

Nathaniel smiled. "Would part of that happen to be because of our talk last night?"

"Partly." Azariah admitted with a laugh.

"Wait… you two "talked" last night?" Sigrun asked, using her fingers to quote the word "talked". She then smirked devilishly. "Don't tell me. You two fucked each other senseless, didn't you?" That question had Anders burst out laughing.

"What? No!" Nathaniel said, looking a bit weirded out at the suggestion. "I just apologized for my earlier behavior, and Azariah and I agreed to be friends again. That was it."

"If that was it, then why are you both so chipper?"

"Because we're both happy to be able to call each other friend again." Azariah then changed the subject, "Anyway, I was thinking that we should head out to the Blackmarsh today. We need to find the Grey Warden that went out there to see what was going on with the darkspawn there. He could help us find out more about what's going on. So, who wants to come with me?"

"You're going to a place called Blackmarsh? Sure, that doesn't sound ominous at all." Anders said in a jokingly sarcastic tone, but the shrugged and answered, "Count me in."

"I'm in, too." Sigrun spoke. "It can't possibly be any more ominous than some areas of the Deep Roads that I've seen."

Azariah looked back at Nathaniel. "Are you coming, too?"

Nathaniel smiled. "Are you kidding? Of course I am!"

"Great! Then, let's all head out, then. The sooner we leave, the sooner we get there." The four of them then grabbed their gear and left the keep, heading east into the Blackmarsh. It took them about three hours for them to get there from Vigil's Keep. Once they did, the whole place was cloaked in mist, and it was much darker than it should have been for it being the middle of the day.

"Okay, I take back what I said before." Sigrun said. "This place _is_ more ominous than any area I've seen in the Deep Roads."

"That isn't comforting." Anders mumbled. "This place is even more creepy than a demon's nightmare."

"I know that it's not the brightest or cheeriest place in Thedas, but I need you two to focus. We're here for a reason, remember?"

"Of course, Commander." Sigrun replied, and Anders nodded.

"So… this is the Blackmarsh…" Nathaniel mumbled to himself before he looked at Azariah and continued when he saw her giving him a curious look, "My father used to tell me stories of the Blackmarsh when I was little. He said that fowl magic killed everything here."

"Really? What kind of fowl magic could have caused this?" Azariah asked as she looked out over the marsh.

"I don't know. They never _did_ find out what happened here. As soon as the monsters appeared, the marsh was abandoned." Nathaniel was silent for a moment before he let out a short chuckle. "You know, when I was a boy, I used to dream about coming here to the Blackmarsh and setting things right. Little boy dreams…"

Azariah giggled as she looked at him, her light blue eyes bright with playful amusement. "You wanted to be a hero? That's so cute!"

Nathaniel let out another chuckle, albeit sheepishly, as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Isn't that what _all_ little boys want?" He looked back out over the marsh. "When I was in the Free Marches, I used to think I would come back to Ferelden to take control of my father's lands, but I think _this_ is better!" He looked back at Azariah with a playful smirk. "I mean, now look at me! Here I stand, a Grey Warden and battling both darkspawn _and_ demons! Interesting!"

Azariah chuckled. "If you like this kind of thing, then you should definitely stick around for more, because this seems to happen all the time."

"Then the fun never ends, I suppose. Good to know!" Nathaniel's grey eyes lit up with excitement as he pointed out to the marsh, "Anyway, we should get going. The haunted marsh awaits!"

"You sound _way_ too happy about this!" Anders said, but Nathaniel completely ignored him.

"Aw, come on, Anders." Azariah laughed. "You heard him, he's been dreaming about this day since he was a boy, so why not let him have it?"

"Of course you would let him have this." Sigrun said with a smirk. "The two of you should really just get a room already."

"There is nothing going on between us." Azariah insisted.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, Commander." Sigrun replied with the same smirk, and Azariah just sighed, rubbing her temple in frustration.

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All right, so here it is, the first chapter. I have had this idea in my head for a long time now, and I finally got around to writing it. Please, tell me what you all think, and I will take constructive criticism, thank you! Also, I want to say that I did add a couple of my favorite discussions with Nathaniel from Awakening, because I wanted to show his and Azariah's relationship growth.


	2. Strange Sensations

After spending about a day in the Blackmarsh, spending more than half that time trapped in the Fade because of the Mother, Azariah made it back to Vigil's Keep with the others. She found Varel out in the courtyard, and as soon as he noticed her, he rushed over and said, "Azariah, thank the Maker you're back. Bann Esmerelle showed up here while you were away and insisted on waiting for you to return; she's in the main hall right now."

"What could she possibly want from me?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say she's here to kill you." Varel warned as he looked concerned. "I'll go in with you to make sure nothing happens."

"That's sweet of you, but there's no need. I'll be fine."

"Azariah, I have to agree with Varel." Nathaniel spoke. "You may be brave, but that does _not_ make you invincible; I'm coming, too."

Azariah sighed as she rubbed the back of her neck, knowing that this would not be a battle she could win. "All right, fine. If you two want to come in with me, then you may." She then turned around. "Sigrun, Anders, Justice… you three stay here." She then walked into the main hall of the keep with Nathaniel and Varel following close behind. The three of them walked into the hall to see Esmerelle standing in the center of the room, glaring at Azariah as she wore a full suit of armor.

"You're finally here." She growled. "Now, I can finally get rid of you, Azariah!"

Azariah calmly stood there for a brief moment before asking, "Why? Just tell me why you want to."

"Because you killed Rendon, obviously!" Esmerelle yelled angrily. "If it weren't for you, he'd still be alive! He was good to us, good to me!" As she spoke, an archer sneakily readied his bow behind one of the pillars in the room and quickly pointed it at Azariah. "Now, you'll finally pay for what you've done!"

Nathaniel caught glimpse of the archer right before he shot his arrow, and he pushed Azariah out of the way before being struck in the abdomen with it.

"Nathaniel!" Azariah cried out in concern before she turned her attention back to Esmerelle and took out her sword. "Fine! You want a fight?! You just got one!" She then lunged forward and attacked Esmerelle as Varel took care of some of the assassins trying to hurt her. Even Nathaniel managed to fight through the pain to kill a few of them, but after they were all dead, he collapsed onto the floor. He hadn't lost consciousness, but doubled over in pain, his hand clenching the wound in his stomach. "Nathaniel!" Azariah cried again as she rushed over and kneeled down next to him. She then looked at Varel and ordered, "Varel, get me a pitcher of hot water, some towels and bandages, and bring them to my room!"

"Right away!" He nodded and left to go grab what she told him to.

Azariah looked back down at Nathaniel and gripped his bicep, squeezing it just a bit to let him know she was still there. "Nathaniel, can you stand?"

"Urgh! Maybe…" He groaned and shakily got to his knees before standing with Azariah holding his arm the whole time. He tried to take a step forward, and did manage to, but his legs felt wobbly under him.

"Here." Azariah brought his arm up around her shoulders and wrapped her free arm around his waist. "Let me help." She then slowly guided him forward, through the main hall and up the stairs into the master bedroom. Once inside, she walked him over to the bed and gently had him sit on the edge of it before lying down flat on his back.

"Thank you." Nathaniel said, his tone betraying the pain he was in, but was still sincere. He saw Azariah simply nod in response before he felt her warm hands on his chest and begin to work on undoing the straps of his armor. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I can't very well treat your wound until I can get a good look at it, can I?" She asked as she continued.

Nathaniel looked down at Azariah's hands as they worked on getting his armor off, and his eyes moved up her arms and to her face. A few stray strands of her hair were covering her face, but he could still see the intense look in her eyes. She seemed to be so focused on what she was doing, but her eyes also looked a bit sad. Was she worried about him that much? Nathaniel didn't even realize he'd been staring at her until she looked up at him and asked, "What?" He snapped out of his daze and replied, "Nothing, sorry."

Azariah was just about to say something else when the door to the bedroom burst open, and the other wardens came into the room. "Commander!" Oghren shouted. "Varel told us what happened! He gonna be okay?"

"He'll be fine. I just need to heal his wound and after some rest, he should be back on his feet."

"That's good to hear. Wouldn't want anything bad to happen to our favorite Howe, would we?" Anders joked.

Azariah played along with a chuckle. "No, that we wouldn't."

Varel then came rushing into the bedroom, carrying a pitcher of hot water, a couple towels and some bandages, just as Azariah asked. "Where do you want me to put these, Commander?"

"Just put them on the nightstand for the moment." She answered as she gestured to the nightstand in front of her, and he nodded as he did what she said. She got up briefly to grab the basin from the washroom connected to the bedroom and came back, placing it on the nightstand and pouring the hot water from the pitcher into it, steam rising from said water as it poured out. Azariah then sat back down on the bed beside Nathaniel and looked at him seriously. "Okay, I'm going to have to take the arrow out before I take the rest of your armor off, and I'm not going to lie… this is going to hurt."

"I can handle pain, don't worry."

Azariah nodded before gripping the base of the arrow and quickly yanked it out to try and reduce the amount of pain he was in, but his cry of agony as she did made her flinch. She quickly composed herself, however, and tossed the arrow carelessly onto the floor and grabbed one of the towels, pressing it hard into the wound to try and stop the blood flow. "Varel, keep pressing this down for me." Azariah ordered, and Varel took her place, pressing onto the wound as she got to work taking off the rest of his armor. They did have to briefly take off the towel to uncover the wound completely, but as soon as his armor and undershirt were off, Varel pressed the towel back down. "Thank you." Azariah said to Varel as she took back her place in pressing the towel down, and he moved out of the way.

"Of course. Is there anything else I can do for you, Commander?"

"No, that will be all. Thank you. I can take it from here."

Varel nodded and had everyone leave the room before walking out himself and closing the door behind him.

Azariah looked up at Nathaniel's face when she heard him let out a groan of pain. "I know it hurts. I'm sorry." She apologized and continued to press against the wound for another minute or so before she carefully peeled it away, so she could see the extent of the wound. She let out a quiet sigh of relief. "It's not as bad as I feared. Still, we need to get it treated." Azariah took the clean towel that was still on the nightstand, and carefully dunked it into the water before wringing it out and sat back down. "Hold still." She said before placing the wet towel against the wound, and Nathaniel hissed in pain through clenched teeth. "By the way, Nathaniel. I should thank you for saving me. You know you didn't have to."

"Of course I had to." Nathaniel argued. "You saved me, too, remember?" He hissed again as she cleaned his wound a bit more but continued. "The least I could was return the favor."

"I don't recall ever taking an arrow for you." Azariah joked.

Nathaniel laughed, but then groaned. "Maker, don't make me laugh." He said amusingly, but then got serious again. "You may not have ever taken an arrow for me, but you _did_ still save me. After I had been captured and locked up, I was ready to face the punishment and die, but you let me go, and even let me come back to become a Grey Warden. If it weren't for you…" He let out another groan as she pressed down a bit against his wound. "I'd probably be dead in a ditch somewhere."

Azariah looked shocked as she looked down at Nathaniel, but then smiled softly. "I didn't know you felt that way, but you still never had to do this for me."

Nathaniel just closed his eyes as he shook his head with a slight smile on his face. "You know what? I don't have the energy to argue with you. We'll finish this debate when I have my strength back."

Azariah chuckled. "If you say so." She finished cleaning his wound before taking the bandages and wrapping them around Nathaniel's waist. Afterwards, she stood up and began putting everything away when she heard Nathaniel speak up again, saying her name softly. "Yes?" She asked as she looked at him to see his eyes still closed, but she knew he was still awake.

"Can you come and snuggle with me when you're done?"

Azariah had a really strange look on her face and placed her hand against his forehead. "Do you have a fever? Was that arrow poisoned?"

"No." Nathaniel answered, still with his eyes closed. "I just don't want to be alone. So, will you stay with me?"

_'He must be acting strange from the lack of blood.'_ Azariah thought to herself, but simply smiled and nodded. "All right. Give me a minute." She finished putting the stuff away before crawling onto the bed next to Nathaniel and gently laid her head against his chest. She felt his hands wrap around her and hold her close as a smile crept onto his face.

"Thanks." He mumbled before falling asleep.

A couple hours later, Azariah woke up from her nap and found herself still lying on the bed with her head against Nathaniel's bare chest and his arms around her. She slowly looked around the room and wondered how long she'd been asleep, and if anyone was wondering what had happened with them. Azariah just shrugged it off and she turned her head to look up at Nathaniel's face. A stray strand of black hair was hanging down over his eyes, and she gently brushed it away. She heard him let out a quiet mumble as she touched his face, and she had to stop herself from laughing so she didn't wake him up. Her fingers lightly trailed down his cheek and ran along the curvature of his jaw as she gazed at him. _'I have to admit, he is rather good looking.'_ She thought, but then shook her head and sat up. _'Dear Andraste, what the hell am I thinking? I can't possibly think such things about Nathaniel! I'm his fucking Commander, for the Maker's sake! Not to mention that he's also Rendon's son! It would never work!'_ She looked over at her desk and glanced at the rose once again. _'Plus…'_ She sighed, _'I couldn't ever bare that kind of heartbreak again. My heart has been broken enough.'_

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I think I'll stop this chapter here, it seems like a good place to end it and maybe leave you with a bit of suspense. I will start the next chapter as soon as I'm able to, I promise, and I already have a couple ideas in line for it.


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